🫖 Howdy! Since last I wrote, I fell deeply ill, recovered most of the way then received a comical diagnosis: I tested positive for both COVID-19 and Influenza B. If you live in a metropolitan area, you too could fall victim to flurona. Here’s what helped me get through it. 🫖
Catherine: I’ve lost a few days.
Robert: How many?
Catherine: Oh, I don’t know.
Robert: I bet you do.
Catherine: What?
Robert: I bet you count.
Catherine: Knock it off.
(“Proof,” David Auburn)
I. McDelivery
McDonald’s is bad for the world. Food delivery is bad for the world. But, standard morality doesn’t apply when you’re sick. You can do a thing or two that would typically be considered “ethically reprehensible.” Last Sunday, I spent the entire day between the bathroom and my bed. I will spare you the details. I Googled what you’re supposed to eat when you’re experiencing *redacted unpleasant symptom* and was directed to the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, apples and toast. The same article cautioned against dairy and fried foods.
Nonetheless, I suffered no visible consequences from the Oreo McFlurry and Medium Fries I ate in bed, delivered to my doorstep via courier. I can only condone McDelivery in the rare circumstance you are simultaneously afflicted with two different viruses, but in such a circumstance, I cannot condone it highly enough.
II. Wednesday
After a few negative rapid tests, I deduced that my symptoms probably came from some little stomach bug or maybe even food poisoning or potentially a particularly bad period.
Wednesday was the day I started to feel significantly better.
Wednesday was also the day the results of Monday’s PCR test landed in my inbox to shake things up.
And what was the TV series that got me through the darkest hours of my illness? Wednesday: the Netflixification of the Addams Family cinematic universe. It falls in the tradition of midcentury comic/cartoon remakes (à la Riverdale and the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina), though it’s better because it’s less… blue. If that makes sense. And if that doesn’t make sense, read Haley Nahman’s essay about the contagious visual blandness of Netflix.
I’m not saying that Wednesday is great television, but it is definitely optimal for members of the flurona community. Dramatic without taking itself too seriously. Whimsical without being sexless. Macabre without being gruesome. Outlandish enough to be a true diversion. I doubt I would have finished it if I hadn’t been bedridden, but powering through eight hours with this moody little cutie ended up being just what the doctor ordered.
III. Seeing Nobody and Doing Nothing
This may seem pretty straightforward, but if you are like me (stuck on the hamster wheel of a needlessly busy life), you may struggle to wrap your mind around the concept of seeing nobody and doing nothing.
Consider the following. No alcohol. No plans. No subways. No driving. No stairs. No cooking. No cleaning. No movies. (TV is fine). No sex. (Masturbation is fine). No phone-calls-to-that-friend-you’ve-been-meaning-to-catch-up-with. (Texting is fine). This is not the time. No nothing. The nothing is the point.
IV. 10-12 Hours of Sleep Every Night for Nearly 1 Week
Shoutout to Evana for checking on me literally every passing day of my illness—a true angel! Here, you can see our profoundly mundane (or mundanely profound?) observation that accounting for one’s basic needs is indeed healing.
In all the time you have freed up by seeing nobody and doing nothing, might I suggest swimming in deep, rich pools of sleep? My flurona fatigue knew few bounds. I was Sleepy Bones Jones, in bed by 9 PM and reaching for the snooze button at 9 AM. As I started to recover, I became less tired, so I indulged in fun bedtime rituals like reading and sipping cups of peppermint tea. I had so many dreams, and without a doubt, all the slumber was what my body needed to fend off the twindemic coursing through my veins. Hell, try sleeping 10-12 hours for nearly a week even if you’re not sick. I literally don’t know what would happen to you. You might reach an enlightened state!
V. Getting a Little Attention on the Internet
My final cure is centered around two things:
fishing for a lil pity
seeing the humor in adverse circumstances
The moment I got my test results, I wanted to tell everyone I knew, because c’mon now. Having flurona is pretty funny. Admittedly, I also enjoyed having such tangible proof that I was enduring hardship and had a good reason to withdraw.
I posted on my Instagram story and was truly astounded by the flood of kindness and sympathy I received. I’m a self-sufficient person, and I’d generally prefer to die than ask anyone for a little help. So, I was deeply moved by the number of people in my life who wished me well or offered to bring me something.
While this wave of love may have had little to do with the actual curing of my sickness, it certainly encouraged me to emerge on the other side feeling utterly grateful.
5 songs for healing
“Edmonton,” Mac Demarco
“i like to think you’re the leaves,” mage tears
“Concerto for Philodendron & Pothos,” Mort Garson
“Chompy’s Paradise,” BADBADNOTGOOD
“Better,” sign crushes motorist
🫖 Later! Hope this wasn’t too mundane for your esteemed taste! Hoping to make bolder observations again once my brain fog has cleared. 🫖