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Iced Insecurity
Something about the summer heat has made it particularly impossible to patch together complete sentences and astute analysis. So, like last week, I’m deferring to something a little crazier (?) Let’s call it Insecure Tea on Ice. A chilled summer Sunday beverage with chubby beads of condensation that threaten to stain your antique credenza. Something to drink in comprehensible sips, rather than parched gulps.
One more formally composed anecdote, until I launch into dubious poetry:
On Friday, a TSP-adjacent barista—who would be played by that Vampire Diaries guy in a biopic about his life—gifted me with a free chocolate croissant. Their iPad payment app was down and it was approaching closing time and they had a plethora of unsold pastries, so it was quite literally the least he could do. Yet, in that moment, the gesture felt utterly generous. Goddamn heroic. It strikes me that you don’t get much for free in New York.
He told me to pay it forward. Be nice to people. Be nice to someone even if they are a douchebag. Unfortunately, no one has dealt with me douchebaggily, so I have a random act of kindness hanging over my head.
The TV behind closed eyes
I.
As she drifts her fingertips across my face
Applying some cleansing, moisturizing or purging substance
(Trust the process, babe!)
I imagine that this physical action is dusting away my thoughts
Emptying the contents of my head
My mind is still racing, analyzing, interpreting, but
it’s a nice thought.
Carmela is not much of a talker:
for this I am grateful
and I try to narrow in on those elusive
Wordless Thoughts.
I focus on a green light shapeshifting behind my closed eyelids
In the darkness there is Green
and it dances back and forth
It gets large as a beast and small as a pinpoint
The best way for it to disappear
is to look too directly
Be chill. Keep it in the corner of your eye
like a solar eclipse or the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah or a hot person.
Allow yourself to see that
a lot more can happen behind closed eyes
Than we give them credit for.
II.
My grandmother came to visit a few weeks ago
Visit my mind, that is
She has only lived in dreams since Jan of 2014
We were doing something mundane
Walking through a parking lot
Trying to find where our car was parked.
I did most of the talking which was
Not the way it was when she was alive:
She was quiet but
I was quieter around her.
I tried to explain something like this:
“Ever since you’ve been gone, I feel like I’ve taken on a part of you. Even though we didn’t have much in common when you were alive, I sense myself embodying pieces of your personality. More so now that I’m an adult and alone in a city where I’m surrounded by people. But, now that you’re back… I’m not so sure. I can already feel myself becoming less like you as we’re standing here having this conversation.”
I guess what I was trying to say
Is that I don’t need to be you
When you’re here.
But when and if you’re gone forever
I’ll probably keep a little piece of you alive in me
If that’s alright.
III.
WARNING
STUDY SHOWS THAT WATCHING TICK TOCK VIDEOS RIGHT BEFORE BED IS DETRIMENTAL TO PHYSICAL, MENTAL AND SPIRITUAL HEALTH.
In a very esteemed and well-documented study,
it was found that the “endless bedtime scroll” will cause u to have very
Humanizing Dreams
about that gaunt boy that makes videos for N. P. R.
You know the one!
In another society, he might have been a prince with those regal purple undereye circles
But, this is America
so he’s a content creator just like u and me.
In these dreams,
U will hit it off, find out he’s a really nice guy
And that he hates his job, just like u.
This will come as a surprise (he seems to have a lot of creative agency and stuff!!)
And comfort u with the knowledge that u can never rlly know
Just what goes on
In the lives of others
…
While this may be a
Healthy and Productive enough realization,
Many of the study’s participants found themselves wondering in Wakeness
if such dreams are a sure-fire sign of
Mental Illness™️
As such, Doctors recommend a once-daily dose
Of Vitamin D3
And to limit screentime before bed, u rascals!
5 songs to chill you to the bone, regardless of the heat and humidity
Brrrr! I’m in the mood for tragic femmes! Ugh, I guess I always am. Aren’t you? If you don’t have central AC, these songs will do wonders to cool your agitated spirits. At first, I didn’t see a strong thread between these songs, but I’ve realized that the lyrics that attract me are all connected to the natural world. Lately, the incomprehensibility of urban life has had me longing for a more natural lifestyle, which is likely why these ditties called out to me.
“Swallow Song,” Vashti Bunyan
“And there’s a pine so proud of her evergreen gown. Looking down, see how fast the winter comes around.”
“Percy’s Song,” Fairport Convention
“Turn, turn to the rain and the wind.”
“Until It’s Time For You To Go,” Buffy Sainte-Marie
“I was an oak, now I’m a willow, now I can bend.”
“Dreaming Out Loud,” Dear Nora
“When the sun starts to rise, the color splits the sky. I must be dreaming out loud.”
“The Fairest of the Seasons,” Nico
“Yes and the morning has me looking in your eyes and seeing mine warning me to read the signs carefully.”
🫖 As always, click the button above to visit the Insecure Tea Playlist for the full archive of featured music. Also, I’m opening a discussion thread for any brave souls (cowardly ones too) to add to the Insecure canon. Thanks for being here! 🫖